I needed a reminder…

Born and raised in Detroit, MI. To the city that made me, love you forever for it…That’s my favorite thing to say about the city bc it’s the most true for me. I currently reside in Tucson, AZ as a single mother and sole provider to my intuitive, brave, funny, and fierce, soon to be 12yr old daughter to whom I owe my life. It was through the birth of my baby that I decided not only did she deserve a better life, but that I, too, am deserving of a life fulfilled. I woke up on June 1, 2017 and decided to change my life. I didn’t know how, I just knew something had to shake. I started my year of YES. Instead of isolating in depression, I decided to place myself around those who wanted me in their presence. This looked like attending nearly every single event I was invited to. No more isolating and not showing up for my family and friends. I attended birthday parties, group meetups, planned outings, house parties, impromptu day parties, and so much more. I even attended events solo just to support the host. At the end of my year of yes, I had learned so much about myself and overcome fears that had me in a chokehold all my life. I explored things, people, and places without overthinking it. I practiced being present on a level I hadn’t comprehended before. It changed me in ways I still don’t have the language for.

Let me try anyway. Since my Year of Yes:

• I became braver. I began to place myself in healthily uncomfortable situations to train my body’s reaction. I cried through challenging myself physically, but I never gave up. I dragged my friends to the treetops with me, (Twin I love you so much thank you!). I started to enforce boundaries regardless of the outcome, no more people pleasing. The boundaries started with myself because I was the one letting myself down, lying to myself, and not keeping my word with ME. No wonder I wasn’t able to do it with others consistently. I let go of people who did not actively choose me, even when it hurt. I became ok with being alone, not in isolation, but not settling either.

• I became more curious. Any foods that were offered to me, my picky ass tried it. I asked my friends what they were doing for hobbies and joined them. This kind of bonding is actually my favorite. I researched things, sometimes on a whim, and other times it turned into a rabbit hole. Ignorance can be bliss in this country, I’ll just say that lol but luckily I learned to read lighter material so I wasn’t mad all the time anymore. A part of being curious meant reading things outside of my normal scope. I picked up a ton of fiction and sci fi stories, poetry, and documentaries. I tried drawing with Butter, and ultimately found painting as a source of meditation. Two years later, I am a full time artist. I am not making a lot of money but that is ok bc I am fulfilled.

• I learned to be ok with a lot less. I moved across the country with ONLY what could fit in a mini suv. I had one single pair of Nike slides that were the only shoes I had for my first year in Tucson. I don’t mean a lot less just in terms of material things. We had no one in Arizona. It was just me and Butter. We had to cling to each other to survive but I was working 13hr days so we could have a place to live. She spent a lot of time at daycare and with Joey. It was a rough go, and I pray that she understands it all later. If not, I hope she at least forgives me. Then, I lost my dad and my best friend within a year. I struggle with not having pictures of my dad, me and Butter, or with the fact that he’ll never get to attend any of her milestones. Shit just aint the same without Brandon on this plane of existence. I’m still not ok. I am not sure I will ever be able to speak of him without bursting into tears. We also lost Koba, our loving big old puppy… I guess that’s one thing I don’t have less of- love that I will never get to express, grief.

• I began to understand that my sensitivity is a superpower. It’s ok to cry, in fact, it’s good for me. I feel cleansed after a good cry. I have learned different types of crying that helps me process. I used to watch Grey’s when I needed a good cry and I couldn’t really put my finger on the reason. I would watch old videos of Butter when I felt like I was failing as a parent. I listen to music, dance, or watch HGTV when I miss Brandon. I sit at my altar and cry out for help when I feel desperate. Laughing until I cry is another good one, this is best shared with community. When I am feeling insecure, I look at myself in the mirror and cry through every emotion that comes up. This is a practice I learned in embodiment practice. It was really weird at first bc I avoided mirrors like the plague, but I’ve grown so much from this. I still don’t know my angles, but I have learned to love me for me.

• I learned I’m stronger than I thought I was. Please, not like that, I’m tired of being the strong friend. I mean physically. That HIIT training was damn hard but I did it! 200hhr YTT was taxing on my body but I grew into myself. The physical demands I’ve had to meet living in the desert have shown me that my body isn’t as frail as it looks. I have grown to enjoy physically challenging myself.

• I’m a risk taker. I know you’re thinking, “you already said how brave you were”, but listen. All my life, I was told how scary I was. It became a self fulfilling prophecy. I learned to play it safe on all fronts. I was the eldest of 8 children, they were all depending on me to take care of them in my eyes. I couldn’t be out here playing around, I had to follow the traditional path that was sure to make me enough money to provide for my family. Welp, college failed me and my family said they didn’t want my help. What was I gonna do? I spent a few more years people pleasing until I had Butter. Then, I quickly learned about calculated risks. I started to make decisions that allowed me to live for me. Life was no longer happening to me. No more victim mindset. I made choices and dealt with the consequences. There’s not a single thing happening in my life that’s not an offshoot of my Year of Yes. Forever changed.

I am deeply grateful for every person I’ve come across in my exploration, and especially for those who’ve mentioned my name in rooms I was not in. Thank you for being a part of my story. I hope to repay you in one way or another soon. I love you. I thank myself for making the choice daily to become the person God made me to be. Shouts to Tray Good, I believe in my mufuckn self! I’m eternally indebted to Butter for being my lifesaver and I pray that I’m creating a pathway for her to also become the person God sent her to BE. I thank God for carrying me and saving me when I couldn’t save myself.