Heart Stained - a cry for help

Standing in the rain with nowhere to go. Why do I keep finding myself here? At ground zero. Surrounded yet alone. Drenched in pain. Heavy in every part of my body. Tears restrained. I just want it to be over. What though? Cuz everything feels like shit no matter where I go. Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off, idc what that means anymore.

I realized long ago no one's coming to save me. Not even the ones who promised they loved me to their core. I've tried everything. And if I can't save myself, why even try? Does this mean I want to die?

I've begged God to make me a bird so I can fly far away. What I really mean is I just want to have a string of good fuckin days. I'm tired of being His strongest soldier. All it's doing is making my willpower lower. Like the temps outside, I feel myself growing colder & colder. Towards the ones I love, and Mee.

It's like watching a train wreck but you can't stop it. Cuz it's you on this uncontrollable murder spree - of the relationships you've built & the community around you. The fear and sadness followed by shame & guilt. You must sit in the burned house that you built. Engulfing yourself in the smoke & the flames, and you deserve it. You self sabotaged yourself bitch.

Now look at you...

Standing in the rain with nowhere to go. You keep finding yourself here. At ground zero. Surrounded yet alone. Drenched in pain. Heavy in every part of your body. Yet, numb to it all. Bc you've killed the part of you that cares. So no one knows how to help you, and you don't even know what you need. Even with the tools in hand, you don't know how to succeed. Life has been so hard, it's all you know. You've replaced the bad seeds you were given but you've reached a plateau. A fork in the road, if you will. Decide which way before depression kills: the dream, and you.